Therapy…

Just got home from therapy. This was my first appointment since 2017.

My family doctor recommended I go to a therapist a few years ago. I went, and had a wonderful therapist. At my second appointment, she informed me that she had gotten a promotion, and I would be seeing someone else. Okay. Cool, I guess. I went to the next appointment, and I did not feel comfortable with my new therapist. She made me feel like everything I was saying was wrong and like I didn’t know what I was talking about. So I never went back.

So, my family doctor recommended I go back, because my meds only work so much by themselves. I took my daughter to her appointment last month, and scheduled one for myself. I found out that I was going to be seeing the same lady that I saw last time. I immediately became anxious. I was nervous because I remember, so vividly, how she made me feel. I agreed, and since it’s been three years, maybe it’ll be different.

My appointment actually went pretty well. About halfway through, after I mentioned being a teacher, she was like, “Did I see you before?” I was like, Oh no… I told her she had and she was like “It didn’t work out last time, did it?” I said no. She said, “It was because I pushed you. I have regretted that since it happened.” I just nodded my head. I didn’t really know what else to say. She told me that if I wasn’t comfortable or we just didn’t “vibe”, I could request a new therapist. I told her that I wanted to try to stay with her ,and she seemed relieved.

Today was just the intake, but we started talking about random things anyway. At the end of the appointment she told me that she is going to start with Major Depression (which I already knew), Anxiety (again, not new), Hypomanic Bipolar, and Agoraphobia. Interesting.

We talked about my drug addiction, and childhood trauma. She said that the two go hand-in-hand. Apparently there is a lot that I need to “resolve” within myself. .

She told me I needed to set small goals for myself to help reduce my anxiety. I told her that I don’t like to leave the house, and only go out if I absolutely have to. She told me to work on it, little by little. She told me to drive to the store, and even if I just sit in the car in front of the store, that’s progress. The next time, walk in. The next time, actually shop. We are also going to work on my trust issues. That’s one of my biggest issues. It’s so hard for me to trust people.. to fully let them in.

But… she also called me a “miracle”. She said that most people don’t make it out of drug addiction alive, especially addiction that lasted as long as mine did. She said that I have a lot going for me: college educated, strong willpower, my ability to get clean, etc.. which actually made me feel good. We talked about quite a few things, but that was the majority of it.

I have high hopes for therapy this time, as I am more open to receiving help this time around. Last time, I wasn’t in a good place, and I was happy to just stay there. This time, I want to get better. I want to be better for Donald, and for the girls. So, fingers crossed that everything goes well, and we figure out what the heck I need to do to “fix” myself..