Details..

Details. I love details.

I am such a detail-oriented person. I love lists. Lists make me happy. I love written-out, step-by-step instructions. I love being able to see what needs to be done. I love plans. I, occasionally like spontaneity, but sometimes my anxiety can’t handle it. But details. Details make me happy. Details make my anxiety happy. Tell me everything!!!!!

There’s always a flip-side with me, though. Being so dependent on details is not always a good thing. Because I pay attention to details that most people wouldn’t even think about, I end up questioning things. A lot.

When someone sends me a picture, I look at the picture as a whole, not just the main focus. What’s that in the background? That doesn’t look like such and such place. Why are there two cups?

When I hear a story, I pay attention to every detail. When did that happen? Who all was there? Oh, I thought they weren’t friends anymore? Didn’t they break up last week?

When my kids tell me they want to go somewhere, I ask for all the details. Who is going with you? What are you going to be doing? What time will you be home? Are their parents going to be there?

When something doesn’t make sense, I question it.. and I am constantly questioning things. I need to know everything. I usually won’t stop until I find out, or until it makes sense. I guess it falls into the category of overthinking.. and we all know I overthink everything!!

I haven’t always been this way, though. I really believe past relationships have made me this way. Being lied to constantly and being cheated on multiple times have a way of changing the way you think, and act. I hate that I am so untrusting and always in a state of worry, but it’s just a defense mechanism; a coping method, if you will.

When I was 19, and pregnant with my first, I was at my parent’s house one night, and my boyfriend sent me a picture of something in the living room. I remember not even seeing whatever it was he was showing me, and instead, seeing a pair of girl’s shoes by the front door. Shoes that weren’t mine.

That’s where it all started. That’s when I started to become Detective Cassandra.

I do feel bad that I act the way I do sometimes, but I literally cannot help it. I try not to let things bother me. I really do. But when I get fixated on something, some minuscule detail, I can’t let it go. Certain things stay in my mind for entirely way too long. I’m really trying to work on it. I know it causes a lot of stress for everyone, not just myself.

I need to start remembering and practicing the 5-by-5 rule….

Easier said than done. I know this. Habits are hard to break. But man, I am trying. I want so badly to be able to fully trust again. I wish I knew the secret to magically trust again. I wish I could re-wire my brain. But then again, if I did that, I wouldn’t be who I am.

I’ve learned that the only thing that actually helps ease my anxiety, is details. Details, details, details. Knowing as much as I can about any and every situation. Details that don’t seem “important” to anyone else are usually the ones that are most important to me. Weird, I know. But that’s just how I am. I literally need details.

I guess being detail-oriented is both a blessing, and a curse…

Are you detail-oriented?

Do you notice every little thing?

Are you bothered by missing details?