Time to get back..

I’m trying to get back to me.

I used to be so happy. I worked out 5 days a week. I ate healthy. I trained people at the gym. I was always smiling. I played softball 2-3 times a week. I hung out with my friends. I actually took care of myself.

It’s hard to do that when you’re in a situation that doesn’t allow those things.

My husband doesn’t want me to go to the gym. He doesn’t want me to have any guy friends. Heck, he probably doesn’t want me to have girl friends either. I haven’t truly smiled in months. Maybe even years. I stopped playing softball because I played on a men’s league and was the only girl, and he didn’t like that. I’ve played since I was 5!! It’s one of my passions.

I used to be so goofy. I was always having fun. These past few years have robbed me of that.

I feel like I can’t be myself for fear of getting judged. I can’t talk how I normally talk. I can’t act like I normally act. I feel like a fraud; living a life that isn’t me. I’m just going through the motions.

I’m an extremely outgoing person. I talk to everyone. I had so many friends. But the past few years, I’ve like basically shut all of that off. I can’t do it anymore. It’s not healthy.

I need to get back to me. I need to bring back my weirdness and my sarcasm. I need my happiness back. I deserve that, right?