My birthday is in a few days, five to be exact. I hate this time of year. When I start thinking about it, my anxiety goes from 0-100 in seconds. I’m going to be 36; getting older doesn’t bother me. It’s the attention that is focused on me that I hate. As I’ve said before, I don’t like when people do things for me, because I always feel like it’s going to be used against me later on. So, when I start to hear about people planning things for my birthday, I go into full shutdown mode. Literally. My insides are a mess.
When I was turning 30, I found out that my mom was planning a surprise party for me. I told her that I wasn’t coming out if other people were going to be there (she cancelled). I don’t like to be the center of attention. Ever. I like to stay in the background.. behind the scenes, if you will. Opening presents is another trigger for my anxiety.. especially if there are people around. I can’t even describe how stressful that is.
Honestly, the whole birthday thing is trying for me. I understand that people want to “celebrate me” or whatever, but they also need to try to understand that my anxiety is tremendously heightened during the time surrounding my birthday. I probably seem distant or preoccupied, but it’s most likely just me battling myself, internally.