Just blah..

Ya’ll.. Full-transparency, I am not feeling 100% lately. I am just feeling really down on myself. I don’t feel important. I don’t feel attractive. I don’t feel good enough. I just feel blah. It’s causing me (and others, I’m sure) emotional turmoil. It’s a never-ending battle, mentally. And on top of everything, for the past few months, my meds have been causing me to gain weight. No matter what I do, I’m still gaining weight. My doctor told me that she wasn’t concerned, because it was only around 10-15 pounds, but dang man.. ten pounds is a lot. To me. I have been eating better, and I started working out again, but I still can’t stand to look in the mirror.

**Backstory** I was diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and anxiety quite a few years ago. I have literally been on every anti-depressant that has been on the market. They all work for about six months, and then I’m right back to where I started, sometimes worse. I always knew something was “wrong” with me. Growing up, my mom always said I was just paranoid because I always thought people were out to get me. Well, she wasn’t wrong. I am very much paranoid, and still feel like everyone is out to get me, but I’m told it’s just the anxiety. I got a new doctor a few months ago, and she is wonderful. I went over my history with her, as she read my chart. She thinks it’s more than just MDD. She’s concerned that I may be Bipolar, or possibly have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). So she prescribed me Quetiapine, which is used to treat Bipolar Disorder. She also advised that I need to go to see a therapist again. I’ve gone before, but ended up getting reassigned, and the new therapist made me feel very uncomfortable, so I never went back. I have yet to hear from the office, so no therapy for me, as of yet. So far, the meds she prescribed have been working, or so everyone around me says, lol. The only downfall, thus far, is the weight gain. She took me off of the Buspar I was taking, as needed, for anxiety. I never really took it anyway; it made me feel lightheaded and I got a weird feeling every time I did. So that wasn’t an issue.

My mom says I am the epitome of her mother. Mental illness is not a joke. Like I said above, it’s a continuous battle. I am still learning to deal with my triggers daily, but sometimes there is no stopping the breakdowns and attacks. I am constantly in a state of worry, panic, and fear. I think worst-case-scenario in EVERY situation. I don’t leave the house for days, and make excuses as to why I can’t go somewhere. I worry that I am not being the best mother. I worry that my SO is going to find someone better and leave. I worry that I am never going to get a job. I literally worry about every. single. thing. every. second. of. the. day! I also hate when people do things for me, because I feel like they will use it against me later on. I don’t believe most of what people say, especially when it’s a compliment, because I feel like it’s all lies. I have HUGE trust issues. It’s hard for me to open up and be vulnerable, because I feel like I’m just going to end up hurt. There is so much going on in my head at all times. I know that 99% of the emotional and mental “stuff” is just my disorder, but it still sucks. It sucks because I STILL don’t know how to control it. I’ve been dealing with this for as long as I can remember, and I’m 35. I have bad days, obviously, but lately, with my current meds, the good days outweigh the bad tremendously. I just have to remind myself that I am enough, and I’m doing the best I can.

And once again, I have just rambled. I hope this makes sense. If you’re going through something, I get it. Trust me. I so get it. I am always here to talk, if needed.