I am definitely no stranger when it comes to mental health issues. I’ve dealt with them my entire life. Granted, I never knew what it was until I was in my late 20’s, early 30’s. I never understood what was wrong with me or why I thought and felt the way I did. I remember coming home from school as a small child telling my mom that my teacher didn’t like me or they were picking on me and that so-and-so was targeting me at recess. She always told me I was making it up. Which, I guess in a way, I was. Kind of.
And then.. I went to a therapist. I was diagnosed with bipolar, along with a plethora of others (PTSD, OCD, ADHD, MDD, and severe anxiety). It all started to make sense. I always knew I was different.. turns out, I’m just crazy 🥴🤣
The bipolar part sucks, yes, but the one that I deal with the most is the OCD. But my OCD isn’t compulsive cleaning or a phobia of germs or having to have things in the right spot (however, I do notice immediately if something is moved or out of place or missing). My OCD is more along the lines of compulsive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts. It sucks. My mind is a wild place. I live in fear every day. Not fear that I’m going to get hurt, or hurt someone else, but fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of disappointment, etc. I constantly have scenarios running through my head that my mind insists are real and are happening at that very moment. The amount of questions I ask on a daily basis is honestly ridiculous. Even with evidence that said events are, in fact, not taking place, my mind still tells me that they are. At work, I NEED to know that I did that one thing right or that my drawer was balanced or whatever the case may be. Perfectionism, in a sense. I also count. Everything. My steps. The stairs. Spots on the wall. Circles on the ceiling. Minutes. Literally everything. I hate it.
Relationships are hard. Not only for me, but for the person I’m with. I have a lot of issues (obviously) and I can be very hard to deal with. I know this and I will never deny it. I have been working on myself for over ten years, but I still have a long way to go. I’m trying.
I don’t like to be put on the spot. I don’t like attention. I like to blend in and stay in the “shadows”. I am very careful with my words, and always mean what I say. I stay quiet until I have coherent thoughts and explanations. I have a lot of feelings. Sometimes it’s just hard to express them.
I’m very detail oriented. It’s part of my ADHD. It’s not always a bad thing, but it’s such an annoyance and sometimes hinders my daily life. I remember everything. Literally everything. It’s awful. And if there is even a slight variation in a story I’ve heard before, I immediately think what I was told before (and/or now) is a lie. I start to question everything. Not always audibly, but definitely internally. It will eat at me for a very long time, or at least until I get distracted by something else.
The self-doubt is real. I always feel like I’m not good enough and I always think people view me as a disappointment. I’ve never been anyone’s first choice, and I always get looked over. I’m always just a fill-in until something or someone better comes along. Like a temp. I don’t just mean in relationships, I mean in all aspects of life. But.. I did used to say that my civic duty was to foster men until they found their forever home 🤣
The paranoia side of bipolar is pretty awful. It’s very hard. I always think people are talking about me and laughing at me, and they’re most definitely judging me. This has been a thing in my life for as long as I can remember. I’ve always thought people were out to get me and had ill intentions.
MDD sucks. You can be happy as can be one day, and not even 12 hours later, you don’t want to even get out of bed. And for no apparent reason either. Nothing happened. No one did anything. You’re just sad now. And there’s no time limit on how long it will last. It could be a few hours, or it could be weeks.
Anxiety is the absolute worst, though. I wouldn’t wish the anxiety I have on my worst enemy. My anxiety paired with my OCD is bad. Severe anxiety on top of intrusive thoughts is tough. You have a feeling that something is happening and you’re trying to be rational about it, but you have this little devil on your shoulder reinforcing the negativity. It’s hard. I think the absolute worst in every situation. I don’t do well with surprises. At all. I don’t like the unknown. I’m a planner. I like schedules and set times. I check my calendar at least five times a day, and have about a gajillion reminders in my phone. I used to be spontaneous, and still am sometimes, but it’s situational. Spontaneous trips to Dollar General? I’m down. Spontaneous dinner plans where there are going to be people around that might judge me for not being at or looking my best? I’m good. I’ll pass. I’d rather stay home. I need at least three days notice to psych myself up and tell myself it’ll be ok. Being around a lot of people or in a new environment causes panic. A lot of panic. Speaking of panic; panic attacks are god awful. It feels like you have hundreds of pounds pressing on your chest and you can’t catch your breath, you get really clammy, sweaty, and your heart feels like it’s literally going to beat out of your chest. 0/10. Do not recommend.
I read an article the other day that people “cricket” as a trauma response to abuse. It apparently helps quiet your mind and permits a break from your thoughts. I thought “cricketing” was a common occurrence among people.
I think everyone has a little trauma or PTSD from life in general. But the fact that I can’t remember certain times and things, tells me something really bad happened to me. There are a lot of years that are pretty foggy, so there’s honestly no telling. I know a coping mechanism of PTSD is burying things so deep, it’s incredibly hard to recall it. PTSD has a lot to do with self-esteem and confidence, which makes a lot of sense as to why mine is so low. It also explains the nervousness and feelings of fear and dread when the thoughts of being around certain people or places comes up.
I don’t know if this is part of any subcategory of a mental health disorder, but the way I feed off of other people’s energy is exhausting. I can feel energy as soon as I walk in a room. I absorb it as my own. It instantly shifts my mood, positively or negatively. I can know something’s up with you before you do. You won’t have to say a word.
Listen.. Life be lifin’. We’re all a little messed up. The world is not a great place right now. Everyone has issues. We all deal with trauma. Mental health issues looks different for everyone. This is just my experience. I’m very open about it because I want people to know they’re not alone.
These are just some of the things I go through daily. I had to pick and choose what to write about, or else we’d be here for days.
The worst thing you can tell someone when they’re having a moment is, “calm down” or “it’s all in your head”. People dealing with a mental health disorder need reassurance. A lot of reassurance. Probably more than any “normal” person is willing to do and/or capable of doing. But that’s what they need. Tone and words mean everything. It’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t deal with it. Understandably.
1 in 5 adults have some sort of mental health issue. Be kind. Be understanding. Actively listen. Don’t interrupt. Be patient. Do some research.
Welcome to the Chaos.. 